Relationship check-ins
Okay, finally some relationship content! I told you I wanted to get the formalities out of the way. How are you supposed to trust a stranger on the internet…? Weirdos.
What in the world is a relationship check-in and why should you be doing one? Relationship check-ins provide a designated time for you to air out grievances, talk about goals, set a new course of action, and get back on the same page. If you aren’t doing one already then you probably fall prey to the rush of day-to-day life, meaning you forget to check-in with your partner. Whenever you are speaking about the aforementioned topics is usually in a time of conflict or when there isn’t enough time to talk about things fully.
So now you’re intrigued, right? How do you do them? Do you show up with a list of things you need your partner to do or change? Not necessarily. This is not a partner-bashing session or even a meeting of to-do lists. Let me show you what to do!
Set a time
Talk with your partner about when and where you want to have this meeting. Hell, you can call it something else if you’d like! The name of it doesn’t matter. Be intentional with choosing a time of no interruptions. You want your partner to have your undivided attention. No phone alerts (put that phone on do not disturb), no crying babies or crazy children, nowhere to be in the next 2-3 hours. Just you and your other half.
mAKE SOME GUIDELINES
This is what you will do when the meeting starts. Some of the rules I recommend are
listen to understand and enact empathy for your partner
be respectful and courteous
understand that both points of view are valid
remember you’re a team working together
the problem is the problem, your partner is not the problem!
Think of some things you would like to incorporate. Maybe taking turns talking or only have up to 2 or 3 grievances per meeting. Don’t overdo the rules, either. This should be enjoyable and a time to foster another level of trust and intimacy in your relationship.
Express gratitude
In a healthy relationship, you really can’t say thank you or show appreciation enough. Start off by telling one another what you love about them, especially lately. What is something they’ve done to make your load easier or give you butterflies. List three!
What do you need
What are things you find most stressful and how can they help you destress? Use those I-statements and express a few things you need out of your partner in positive terms. Instead of saying what you don’t need, tell them what you would like of them. Example: Instead of telling them you don’t want them to leave their dishes on the counter, tell them you would like for them rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. This clears up some confusion on what is expected of them.
goals
Create a list of goals (individual and couple) that you are currently or wish to start working on in the next three months, or whenever your next checkup will be. What are a few ways you can help one another achieve those goals? What does accountability look like for you?
finances
Talking money can ruin a conversation, and I’m speaking from experience. Many a check-in has been ruined by talking finances when we weren’t ready. We were already super stressed out, not in a good headspace, and already had a concrete idea of HOW we should be handling our finances. Focus on the end result. Finance goals should center around what you want in the end. Don’t speak on HOW you will get there until agree on where you’re going.
Pull up all of your accounts and check your standing with your bills, debts, and savings. Be transparent and make sure you aren’t using any accusatory language.
invest
What is a relationship without date night? Invest in your relationship by putting some date nights on the schedule. Make sure it is realistic and something you can stick to. Do you have rules for date night? I don’t know if you’ve seen social media lately, but everyone has an opinion on what is and isn’t considered a date night (amount of money spent, where you go, what you do, what you wear, what you eat, etc.). Create some guidelines so you are always clear on when you are on a date.
Other ways to invest in your relationship are through creating some uninterrupted time together. Read a book, listen to a podcast, talk to a professional. Increase your bond by learning together.
love it out
Last one, I promise! No matter how this check-in ends, end it with some love. Have a six-second kiss (not multiple kisses that equate to 6 seconds), share a hug, and hold hands. YOU ARE A TEAM. Every time you experience conflict it is a chance to foster intimacy. Throw an “I love you” in there for some razzle dazzle (only if you mean it, of course).
You know I’m always good for the resources! If you need something to help guide you during your check-in I have a Relationship Card Deck for that. Check it out here!